Anger can be an instant emotion and take you over like lightening and at other times, it can take a while to develop like the rumble of thunder. Sometimes we clash painfully in our relationships, other times we distance and silently abandon the relationship. But anger handled the correct way doesn’t have to be destructive. Here are the rules God gives us to handle our anger.
Keep It Honest
Ephesians 4:25-26 (Amplified Bible)
25Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbour, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another.(A)
26When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down.
Don’t ever deny it when you are angry. Anger can be a constructive thing. It isn’t wrong for us to get angry when people get mistreated and wrong aren’t made right. Saying, “I’ve been feeling angry and because I value our relationship I would like to talk about it.” Is honest, non-threatening and invites resolution.
Ignoring, stifling, suppressing and pretending you aren’t angry being dishonest. Exaggeration is another form of lying, “You never listen to what I say.” “You always ignore my wishes.” “Nobody does anything around here except for me.” These generalisations are untrue an only ever aggravate the person you’re talking to and open a gateway for a conversation to escalate into an argument. Another form of lying when you’re angry is blaming. “If you’d arrive on time then I wouldn’t have to nag you.” Or “If you didn’t so much, maybe I’d start being on time.” Blaming is pointing the finger at others, making it out to be their fault and not yours and it’s a way of evading your own responsibility. It angers others, keeps your anger levels from reducing and never produces the desired result.
God says “…let everyone express the truth…” and it works when you do it in love.
Keep It Non-lethal
Still using the previous quoted scripture, Paul writes “When angry, do not sin…” This means: don’t let your anger escalate to a point of doing damage. Do not use your words as a weapon or a control mechanism.
It’s good to express your emotions in a healthy way, but keep them in check. Your goal must be to resolve the problem and strengthen the relationship, not to “sound off” and wound the other person. This isn’t easy; you’ll need a large amount of grace to do it.
Words spoken in jest, sarcasm, self-righteousness or righteous indignation hurt people, sometimes permanently.
Proverbs 15:4 (New King James Version)
4 A wholesome tongue is a tree of life,
But perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Proverbs 18:14 (New King James Version)
14 The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?
Proverbs 18:21 (Amplified Bible)
21Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].
Proverbs 26:22 (Amplified Bible)
22The words of a whisperer or slanderer are like dainty morsels or words of sport [to some, but to others are like deadly wounds]; and they go down into the innermost parts of the body [or of the victim's nature].
Angry words can really hurt someone. Your words can stay in someone’s heart and memory and can reside within that person until they pass away from this world.
They say that “Stick and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” This is so untrue. A person can die of a crushed spirit, and the one who spoke the deadly words can live to regret the words they spoke and the damage they caused, and they will never get a chance to undo it.
Correctly handled anger never needs to be repented of. Learn to identify the difference between the anger you feel and the words you speak because when anger is thought through, it can reveal important information on needed changes. Focus on that, and ask God to show you what needs changing in the other person…and in you!
Keep It Current
Luke 6:45 (New International Version)
45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
“Bottling up” your anger only hurts you. When you open up old resentments, you start to rehearse them and grow bitter.
Matthew 18:15 (New International Version)
15“If your brother sins against you,
go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
When you’re angry, deal with it quickly. Don’t allow time to decide your options, and don’t sit around in hope that the other person will see the light and apologise. Try to resolve it and restore the relationship.
Repressing your anger adds a skeleton to your closet. Doctors say that sooner or later, it’ll be at your stomach lining, attacking your immune system, rendering you susceptible to heart problems, cancers and other physical, social and emotional disorders. In the meantime, it’ll preoccupy you, dispel your energy, cripple your creativity, and hinder your fellowship with God, your friends and fellow believers. Not only that, but it denies the offender the opportunity to clear their conscience, repent, and get right with God and you.
All because you stored up your anger…worth it? (The answer is no)
Stop bringing up the past by dragging skeletons out of the closet at ‘opportune’ moments, plotting revenge and passing down resentments for the next generation to carry in order to blackmail the guilty.
Ask God for the courage and the humility to deal with today’s problems today. This way you can sleep well knowing that all your issues are up to date with God and everyone else.
Keep It Solution-Focused
Ephesians 4:29 (New International Version)
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
It has been said that fellowship is like two fellows in a ship: one can’t sink the other without sinking himself. By trying to gain the upper hand, you both lose. By pushing to save and strengthen the relationship, you both win. Ensure that the words you use are “…helpful for building others up according to their needs…” Try to understand what the other person needs.
Don’t bring up previously confessed offences; don’t bring in other people; don’t crack jokes at people’s weight, height, colour, IQ, physical, mental and emotional limitations; don’t bring up anything that would cloud the situation and obstruct you from finding a solution. Don’t purposely raise the volume in order to intimidate and manipulate the other person.
We are made with a capacity for anger because when handled the right way, it encourages necessary change.
Ensure that you are looking for a solution and not a victory, Things such as name-calling only makes matters worse. Your focus should not be on what they did, but on what you can do together to resolve it.
Always admit your own flaws and ask for forgiveness. Acknowledging your own flaws makes it easier for the other person to acknowledge theirs. Remember, it takes two to tango.
Philippians 4:8 (Amplified Bible)
8For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honourable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].
For every difficulty you address, give a compliment. “I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you. Thank you for listening to me so graciously.” Being solution-focused gives people gives people something positive to live up to, not down to!
Keep It In The Laundry Room
Ephesians 4:31 (New International Version)
31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Spreading gossip is hard to resist when you are angry. But malicious talk is like wildfire; not only does it consume those who spread it, it also consumes those who listen to it. Don’t show your dirty washing; keep it in the laundry room.
Proverbs 11:13 (New King James Version)
13 A talebearer reveals secrets,
But he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.
Proverbs 10:12 (New King James Version)
12 Hatred stirs up strife,
But love covers all sins.
1 Corinthians 14:20 (New King James Version)
20 Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.
You can air your laundry publicly by talking about it where others are going to hear it. You can also have the same effect with subtlety by making jokes about their figure, family members and friends, etc in order to belittle them. Airing you’re dirty laundry only ever leads to embarrassment for the person you’re angry at, widens the gap between you and makes reconciliation impossible.
Wipe It Clean
Ephesians 4:32 (New International Version)
32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Romans 5:10 (New International Version)
10For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
They may have deserved it, but we can’t walk away and leave open wounds to get infected. Christ didn’t forgive us after we had acknowledged, confessed and repented of our sins. God took the initiative, so forgive, before the other person even asks to be forgiven. If they decide that they want to remain as your enemy for life, forgive them anyway. Only then are you yourself forgiven, the wounds you inflicted healed, and your record before God expunged.
